Looking to turn things up a notch in the bedroom with your man? Follow our easy tips to pleasure-land.
- Go on a cute hiking date, and when he’s not looking, pick up a fallen pinecone. When things start to get heated on the mountain top, gently insert the pinecone up his anus. No worries, the tree sap will act as an all-natural lubricant!
- Ladies, you’re not the only ones who enjoy receiving flowers. Buy a cheap bouquet of carnations for your man. Then, take those fragrant bad boys and rub them all over his FACE.
- The Angry Donkey: Play into his deepest bestiality fantasies by braying away in the sack. Remember to alternate between “HEE-HAWWW” and “EEUOOOOH” to keep things fresh. Don’t be afraid to experiment with other options like “The Frantic Monkey” and “The Jolly Whale” (advanced level).
- Ask him when the last time he cried was, and when he answers, start laughing. The embarrassment and anger that he feels will create a hot burst of passion in his pants.
- Role-playing may seem intimidating at first, so start from the basics with some fond childhood memories. Buy a pair of khakis, clear plastic glasses, and a fake moustache at the mall. You can be the creepy schoolbus driver, he can be Johnny the innocent schoolboy. All aboard— his quivering member!
- The Palm Tree: Cover his eyes with your palm and make rhythmic ocean sounds while going down on him. So relaxing. Surf’s up!
- With Magic Markers, draw random squiggles on his naked bod, while singing songs by The Beatles.
- Is there anything more romantic than knowing that your lover is on his deathbed? Pretend that he’s a dying AIDS patient and that you’re his kindly nurse who’s always harbored a forbidden crush on your client. He’s just learned that he has one more day to live, and he has one final wish: to “insert his catheter” into his caregiver.
- Tightly knot a piece of industrial-strength twine around his manhood, and then try to untie it using only your teeth. He’ll be surprised by how many new sensations he feels just by the lack of circulation and the rough texture rubbing up against him.
- The Fruit Roll Up: Stick a fruit roll up — or fruit leather for the health-conscious — in your Netherlands and have your man extract it. Then, suck it slowly off of his fingers. Keep the mood silly and get into his erogenous zone by giving him a light noogie simultaneously (advanced level).
- The Hungry Mouse: Missionary position, except you’re eating cheese.
- When you get back from work, slap your thighs and yell “Mommy’s home!” He will instantly get rock hard.
- The Betty Cocker: Pop some cookies in the oven, turn up the Beach Boys, put on your sexiest apron, and go down on your man while they’re baking. The nostalgic smell and your warm mouth will bring back some memories and get your man’s blood pumping! Don’t forget to keep some fat-free Fig Newtons on hand for you!
- Flick your tongue repeatedly into his belly button, while tickling the sensitive swath of skin located between his first two toes, or his D-spot. This alone will feel incredible, but the sensual thrills triple if you also trace slow circles around his armpit with your index finger, working your way from one armpit to the other.
- The Dot Com: While your beau takes you from behind, have him yell out random things that you must immediately Wikipedia from a laptop. He’ll be able to revel in seeing your fingers bounce up and down the keyboard. Guys love watching, and you’ll be learning new facts, so it’s a win-win situation.
- Steam things up by inviting your man to a night of Appalachian erotica. You’re 14-year-old Lindy-Lou, and he’s your big brother Harley-Bob whom you’ve always looked up to. It’s a frosty winter night in them mountains, so Harley-Bob and his sis get together for some warmth— and a little more. To take it to a whole new level, wear a tattered potato sack.
Remember: if you don’t please your man, you deserve to be alone. Thank you to my right-hand puta, Sofia, for her aid in compiling this list.